Sex.

Sex and the Single

 

   It isn’t the same as shit on a shingle, which I actually do happen to like to quite a great deal. If you get the creamy sauce just right, chipped beef on toast can be miraculous.

   Of course, typically, it is an over-salted congealed mass of jism that makes you want to hurl. Do not order S/S at IHOP for any reason, at any time. Trust me. I have seen those prep cooks, and their swarthy demeanor is nothing to be shaken at. No, I do not mean the skin colour, but rather the attitude. Sometimes, they even have swedes cooking at those places !

  Prepared correctly, as with just about any other dish than “game pheasant”, shit on a shingle makes a wonderful dinner. My mother in law has threatened to make it for me for a few years now, but I feel a bit of Poe in her, and that makes me nervous.

  I wonder if they wouldn’t find me under the floorboards…

   Game Pheasant, however, does not. Hanging a bird up by the neck in the sun, covered in flies, until the neck snaps due to the rottening, does not, in my book a least, count as actual “cooking”. Yes, I know, the flesh is tender…cooked by the farts of the bacteria eating away at the fatty acids and whatnot. If something smells that putrid but still tastes good, I have to wonder about Homo sapiens.

   The smell leaves you wondering if you forgot your foot powder that night. My family has a history of having smelly feet. One of my brothers was reduced to wearing sandals continuously due to the odour that was presented by normal sneakers…but has overcome that dilemma, and now can wear whatever he wants.

  As long as you aren’t eating nearby…then he should have sandals, unless, of course, you are having game pheasant, in which case his foot odour could enhance the experience.

   Anyway, sex and food to seem to go together. You can drizzle chocolate or honey on your significant other, or just make a nice tasty meal, but it seems to reinforce the bonds that keep a couple together. People who eat out too much (especially at IHOP) are bound to be more distant than those that prefer to dance naked around the kitchen waving a spatula or two. Stay away from the pasta maker, though. Personal experience.

    Male Bower birds make elaborate nests in Australia, hoping to entice a female into the little hovel, where they can hump them, and have them lay little eggs that turn into more Bower birds. Ah, evolution !

   I have found that cooking is a much better way of selecting a mate, rather than having a showy new house or car. It says “ Hey !  I actually give a crap!”  rather than , “Look how much crap I have!”  This also helps to weed out the weirdos, who are after all, just looking to take your crap.

   Carlin had a good bit about “stuff”. Prior to hooking up with someone, I heavily recommend listening to it. I don’t know, do a youtube search or something.

   Sex. That is what the whole relationship boils down to, doesn’t it?  If you aren’t attracted chemically and physically to someone, there is no point in pursuing the bower making, no matter how good of a cook they are. Unless you are a 400 pound behemoth that exists on food, and the idea of an orgasm is a two-for-one special at McDonald’s.

   Aren’t people somewhat strange?