Life

Life. Or something like it.

   Everyone wants someone to “open up”. The big problem is that that opening up can be catastrophic.

   I was recently asked to be extremely truthful about some periods of my past, and I  have found that the unburied corpses still are quite awake, and quite pissed off.   Some of you who know me are figured in this matrix, those who aren’t are dust.

   I mean dust in the sense that some shit just  doesn’t  matter.  If I told you that you looked “ fat in those pants” it was because you asked. I don’t ridicule people until I am ridiculed…and then get set for a MG42.

   Two people who mean the world to me have asked me to open up, and I don’t think life has ever been so painful since.

   We all do things that we sweep under a rug, and pretend that they just aren’t there. Now, I am coming to grips with some of the shit that I have pulled on others, and I am gagging hard.

   I have never thought of myself as being nasty or mean-spirited. At all. Yeah, I can pull a few pranks, but I have stopped others from happening when I knew they were over the top.  A bit of hi-jinks is ok now and again, but when it causes pain, it is too far down the path for me.

   I basically drove one woman who loved me to death to hate me, just because I was pissed off about a trivial circumstance. I miss her dearly.

   There is no excuse for that. None. I was an asshole. Picking fights about junk, worrying about things that really didn’t matter?  WTF?  I got into a fight with her about the validity of “modern combat jets” once.  Christ…she was a horse trainer ! She knew more about horses than anyone I have ever (or probably will know) been around, and I had to pick a fight over fucking fighter jets.

   Man, sometimes my knickers are just to friggin’ tight.

   A while ago I was asked by two friends of mine who love me dearly to start actually being real, and not working the words around every subject.

   I don’t know if I like me much anymore.

   I have always been taught to look at one’s self  in the mirror, and judge what manner of man I have become.

   My dad would kick my ass.

   Thank god for my owl.  Archimedes is my “ go to’ person.   No, he is not just an owl, he has a spirit that keeps me somewhat sane. Somewhat.

   Archimedes looks at life somewhat more simply, and 100% more honestly than I do.  What do I need today to eat. What do I need for tomorrow..

   I’ve failed a lot of you over the years, and trust me, I don’t forget any of my screw-ups. I did what I did, and I do  take the full burden of the idiocy.

   I’ve shut a door on many a person that did nothing more than to want to have friend. Likewise, I’ve spurned love when it was offered to me, because I thought “ I could do better”. Gag.

   Life isn’t about power points. Life is just …life.  I am really, really, really trying to do better with what I was granted, and that would be the love and friendship that those of you out there have just given me freely, with no restrictions.

   I do believe I shall worship you, from now on, if that is o.k.